Story By Joe Pisani

When I was in church recently, a couple renewed their marriage vows on their 61st anniversary. There was a blessing, there was applause, and I suspect there was some envy and confusion. How does a marriage last that long?

I doubt there’s no one who can make marriage look easy, but with the grace of God all things are possible even in a society that places no value on permanence or fidelity.

When my friend’s grandparents celebrated 60-something years together, she asked what their secret to “success” was, and with no premeditation, the old guy grumbled, “Giving in.” What a truthful answer. Of course, “giving in” is an alien concept in a society where everyone is convinced they’re right and they’ll pummel anyone who disagrees.

A few months ago, I met a man who just turned 90. Last year, his wife of 67 years passed away, and since then he has visited her grave five times a week. That’s how strong their love was.
I’ve often wondered why some marriages endure despite the challenges, while others crash and burn. So I never miss an opportunity to ask long-married couples what their secret is.

I still remember asking a couple who reached 55 years how they did it, and the groom told me candidly, “A day at a time, and some of those days can be painful.” Marriage is like sobriety, he explained. Just for today.

Marriage is a sacrament given to us by God. Venerable Servant of God Fulton Sheen in his book “Three to Get Married” said: “It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God, people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another. Lovers who have nothing else to do but love each other soon find there is nothing else. Without a central loyalty, life is unfinished.”

I’m convinced the simplest thing you can do to protect your marriage doesn’t necessarily entail any of the popular prescriptions, such as the equal distribution of responsibilities or going out with your friends for a night on the town. Rather, it’s to pray for each other … preferably together. Pray for your spouse, especially on the days you’d prefer to push him or her off a cliff.

Pray the rosary together and pray it with your children. Among your intentions should be the protection of your marriage. If you do the praying, Jesus and the Blessed Mother will do the rest. They’ll also give you both the grace to preserve your marriage.

Many of the long-term marriages I’ve encountered have something else in common — arguing. Pope Francis always says that it’s extremely important for couples to seek forgiveness — and grant forgiveness — and never let the sun set without reconciling if you’ve had an argument.

In an age that has popularized “open” marriages and multiple marriages and expendable marriages, there are a lot of books that offer guidance. However, what I’ve found to be more valuable than the advice of family therapists and marriage counselors, is a piece titled “Exhortation Before Marriage” which was in the 1962 Roman Ritual. It was once routinely read at Catholic marriages before Vatican Council II. If you’re married, it’s worth rereading often because of the spiritual wisdom it imparts for married couples, new and old.

The Exhortation says, in part:

“You are about to enter upon a union which is most sacred and most serious. It is most sacred because it was established by God Himself. By it, He gave to mankind a share in the greatest work of creation, the work of the continuation of the human race. In this way He sanctified human love and enabled man and woman to help each other live as children of God, by sharing a common life under His fatherly love. Because God Himself is its author, marriage is of its very nature a holy institution, requiring of those who enter into it a complete and unreserved giving of self….

“This union is most serious because it will bind you together for life in a relationship so close and so intimate, that it will influence and direct your entire future from this day forward. That future, with its hopes and disappointments, its successes and failures, its pleasures and its pains, its joys, and sorrows, is hidden from your eyes. You know that these elements are mingled in every life, and are to be expected in your own. And yet, not knowing what is before you, you take each other for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death. Truly then, these words are most serious….

“It is most fitting that you rest the security of your wedded life upon the great principle of self-sacrifice. You begin your married life by the voluntary and complete surrender of your individual lives in the interest of that deeper and fuller life you are to have in common. From this day on, you will belong entirely to each other, you will be one in mind, one in heart, and one in affections. Whatever sacrifices you may hereafter be required to make to preserve this mutual life, always make them generously. Sacrifice is difficult and trying. Only love can make it easy, and perfect love can make it a joy. We are willing to give in proportion as we love. When love is perfect, the sacrifice is complete. God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, and the Son so loved us that He gave Himself for our salvation.…

“No greater blessing can come to your married life than pure conjugal love, loyal and true to the end….

“If you allow true love and the unselfish spirit of perfect sacrifice to guide your every action, you can expect the greatest measure of earthly happiness that may be allotted to us in this vale of tears. The rest is in God’s hands. Be assured that God will not fail you in your needs. God pledges you the life-long support of His graces in the Holy Sacrament which you are now going to minister to one another.”